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Ruptured, not unexpected, but entirely badly timed

A visit to a friend’s house and appurtenant fig tree, sadly but luxuriantly affected by the pandemic forcing it to go through the seasons unattended and deserted, firmly underlined the importance of concession, already in the works as the final swan song of a campaign lost in advance, trying to preserve all of the provided richness while striving for no waste or as little as possible. With so many of the fruits, still tiny and green at last weeks inspection but now fully formed and beyond, cracked open, spilling their gorgeous guts, the message of being ‘too late, you loser’ came through loud and clear. Time to admit defeat and lament?

It was a similar sensationalized uttering of grief and sorrow years ago, obviously much more fierce and acute, that terminated my ability to eat anything no matter what, making me lose nearly thirty-five kilos in six weeks, a festive consequence under normal circumstances and not entirely redundant, but this episode just about ended in hospital. My extreme hubris, going by the name of pride or talent in happier times, had allowed me to assume I could juggle what started as a simple teaching job but rapidly and unsolicited turned into being Chief Executive Officer of a booming software engineering company, severely mismanaged by its owner, who left me in charge when he left on an extended holiday payed for with his employees pension contributions, quite a revelation, while my long term relationship at home ruptured, not unexpected, but entirely badly timed.

This burnout, as it’s designated these days, made me cry at just the sight of food, knowing I would not be able to hold it in and it turned physical rejection into my biggest enemy for months after, while building up an appetite again step-by-step, pointing out every single intake as painstakingly personal and private.

Figs, one of the earliest cultivated fruit crops known for their richness in nutrients and vitamins, played an essential role in that lengthy healing process and are thus forever assured of my highest esteem, what aggravates this years ‘failure to eat all’, even though it wasn’t this losers’ miscalculation of ripeness but heavy rain fall that made them burst.

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